Wondering Wanderer

Poisoned marrow

2011-06-30T03:35:00.004+02:00

I wished I had a pair of white shoes,
To wear them and run…
Just run,
From coast to coast, back and forth,
and shed all the sorrows that are pinking my marrow.

Hey you, bitterness,
How did you get in?
Who let you stay?
You are not welcome!

I'll run…
Just run,
From coast to coast, back and forth,
For as long as it takes,
to shed all the sorrows that are pinking my marrow.

The eccentric behavior of my not really full sized aortic pumps!

2010-11-27T03:45:00.005+01:00

My aortic pumps is (are?) behaving very strange lately. As soon as I sit or lie down, it starts crashing itself into my chest and my back. Like it wants to break free of my ribs and fly away. Like this shell doesn't have enough room for it to grow. And this goes on until absolute exhaustion.

Now here is my dilemma: when I am tired I want to sit/lie down to rest and reinforce. But if I do that before the state of absolute exhaustion, my heart starts beating like battle drums to makes sure I will eventually reach that state. I may as well let it break free...!

Mysteries of female life

2010-10-02T04:34:00.002+02:00

Over the mysteries of female life there is drawn a veil, best left undisturbed. -- Louisa May Alcott (Little Women)

It's a blessing to have sister(s)/friend(s) to share some of these mysteries.

Nonlinear

2010-09-29T03:12:00.003+02:00

It's unfortunate that we are trained to have linear minds!

"People take the longest possible paths, digress to numerous dead ends, and make all kinds of mistakes. Then historians come along and write summaries of this messy, nonlinear process and make it appear like a simple, straight line." -- Dean Kamen

Flames of curiosity and winds of despair

2010-09-15T15:56:00.003+02:00

Curiosity and despair, there is a constant battle between them. The first intrigues, excites, inflames. The second scatters and stifles the flames like a cold harsh breeze, like a gale. An endless cycle, the ephemeral joy of "veni, vidi, vici", followed by a cast down soul.

The Sorrow of Vanities

2010-08-13T20:54:00.001+02:00

In me, the sorrow of vanities creeps,
In you, an arrogant caring beyond my cope subsists.
In me, desire constantly screams,
In you, reluctance sternly reveals.
...

--
A very loose translation of Hamid Mossadegh's آرزوی نقش بر آب

Fuming howls

2010-08-04T23:03:00.007+02:00

My home is on fire, a heart rending fire
It's burning everything, everywhere
The curtains and the carpets
The wraps and the wefts
...

خانه ام آتش گرفته ست، آتشی جانسوز
هر طرف می سوزد این آتش
پرده ها و فرشها را، تارشان با پود

من به هر سو می دوم گریان
در لهیب آتش پر دود
وز میان خنده هایم تلخ و خروش گریه ام ناشاد
از دورن خسته ی سوزان
می کنم فریاد، ای فریاد! ای فریاد

خانه ام آتش گرفته ست، آتشی بی رحم
همچنان می سوزد این آتش
نقشهایی را که من بستم به خون دل
بر سر و چشم در و دیوار
در شب رسوای بی ساحل

وای بر من، سوزد و سوزد
غنچه هایی را که پروردم به دشواری
در دهان گود گلدانها
روزهای سخت بیماری

از فراز بامهاشان، شاد
دشمنانم موذیانه خنده های فتحشان بر لب
بر من آتش به جان ناظر
در پناه این مشبک شب

من به هر سو می دوم گریان
ازین بیداد
می کنم فریاد ای فریاد! ای فریاد

وای بر من، همچنان می سوزد این آتش
آنچه دارم یادگار و دفتر و دیوان
و آنچه دارد منظر و ایوان

من به دستان پر از تاول
این طرف را می کنم خاموش
وز لهیب آن روم از هوش
ز آندگر سو شعله برخیزد ، به گردش دود
تا سحرگاهان، که می داند
که بود من شود نابود

خفته اند این مهربان همسایگانم
شاد در بستر
صبح از من مانده بر جا
مشت خاکستر

وای، آیا هیچ سر بر می کنند از خواب
مهربان همسایگانم از پی امداد
سوزدم این آتش بیدادگر بنیاد
می کنم فریاد، ای فریاد! ای فریاد
(فریاد - مهدی اخوان ثالث)

Cage

2010-06-04T00:06:00.006+02:00

چه خوش است حال مرغي كه قفس نديده باشد
چه نكوتر آنكه مرغي ز قفس پريده باشد
پر و بال ما بريدند و در قفس گشودند
چه رها، چه بسته مرغي كه پرش بريده باشد
(منسوب به صادق سرمد)

How happy is a bird who has never been caged.
How happier is a bird who has flown away from a cage.
Our feathers are cut and we are set free,
What difference does it make to a featherless bird, to be caged or uncaged?

The results don't always add up...

2010-05-28T02:16:00.004+02:00

"Passion has a funny way of trumping logic." (Source: Nike ad)

Writing a resume

2010-05-21T23:54:00.004+02:00

What needs to be done? Fill out the application and enclose the resume.

Regardless of the length of life, a resume is best kept short.

Concise, well-chosen facts are de rigueur. Landscapes are replaced by addresses, shaky memories give way to unshakable dates.

Of all your loves, mention only the marriage; of all your children, only those who were born.

Who knows you matters more than whom you know. Trips only if taken abroad. Memberships in what but without why. Honors, but not how they were earned.

Write as if you'd never talked to yourself and always kept yourself at arm's length.

Pass over in silence your dogs, cats, birds, dusty keepsakes, friends, and dreams.

Price, not worth, and title, not what's inside. His shoe size, not where he's off to, that one you pass off as yourself. In addition, a photograph with one ear showing, What matters is its shape, not what it hears. What is there to hear, anyway? The clatter of paper shredders.

--By Wisława Szymborska (Trans. By Stanisław Barańczak and Clare Cavanagh)

How familiar this sounds to many of us who have had to write resumes and write statement of purposes and what not. And the number of tips we have read and advices we have heard telling us the way we present ourselves is the most important thing. May be they don't say it, but it is implicit that how we show ourselves is more important than who we actually are! What a sad system.

Wo können, wo dürfen, wo wollen wir hin?

2010-05-19T23:23:00.003+02:00

Where can we go, where are we allowed to go, and where will we be going?

This is from the opening of a speech by Rene Mayrhofer on his PhD graduation ceremony. Apart from the speech itself and his research work (which are interesting as well), it strike me as an interesting way of looking at the horizon when you are trying to set goals for your work (research or other). Its about knowing your ambition and weighing your limits.

Far as human eye could see

2010-04-13T06:50:00.002+02:00

When I dipt into the future far as human eye could see;
Saw the Vision of the world and all the wonder that would be.
-- Tennyson (Locksley Hall)

Isaac Asimov has a book with the same name (Watch an old interview of his on World of Ideas).

Someone, Anyone

2010-03-03T18:35:00.002+01:00

...
+ I could have been someone
* Well so could anyone
...
-- The Pogues (Fairytale Of New York)

2010-02-10T01:28:00.001+01:00

I miss myself!

The two eaqually easy solutions

2010-01-22T02:59:00.002+01:00

To doubt everything or to believe everything - these are two equally easy solutions, because both of them relieve us of the necessity of thinking. -- Jules Henri Poincaré

Cogito, ergo sum, so I guess there is no easy way out!

Swamps of Sadness

2009-11-19T03:23:00.001+01:00

Words fleeing,
Images fading,
Sounds stifling,
Visions blurring,
Ambitions departing ...

It's the Nothing, swallowing my Fantasia, swallowing me. Where is my luck dragon?

Tell Me Why?

2009-06-24T09:36:00.002+02:00

Tell me why, why, does it have to be like this
Tell me why, why, is there something I have missed
Tell me why, why, cause I don't understand...*

Just tell me why....

--
*From Tell Me Why by Declan Galbraith

The most dangerous assumption

2009-05-09T22:06:00.006+02:00

"Nothing is so dangerous to the progress of the human mind than to assume that our views of science are ultimate. That there are no mysteries in nature, that our triumphs are complete, and that there are no new worlds to conquer" -- Humphrey Davy

Brian Cox finishes his brief talk on the LHC at this years TED with this quote. If you wonder what this LHC (The Large Hadron Collider) is, listen to this rap song, or visit its homepage at CERN.

This LHC is quite a fantastic adventure the world's scientists have embarked upon. It is huge, and there was a huge enthusiasm among almost everyone at the academia, especially in Europe and especially in Switzerland before the start of the tests. I was in Zurich last fall when the first tests were scheduled and when it had to be shut down due to the defects. I could feel the excitement in the air before the initial tests, and the disappointment after the defects were found. I hope that they would get it working soon. Not that I suspect a breakthrough to come out of the studies on the tests, but the mere fact that such a huge scientific project was put together with the collaboration of so many nations and so many scientists, and the huge budget that was allocated to prepare the technology that was required to build and maintain such a thing, is already a breakthrough.

Warm enough to trust...

2009-05-08T14:52:00.004+02:00

با خودم فکر کردم٬ این طفلکی مال این‌جا نیس. نصف بهار این‌جاها براش هنوز زمستونه. هنوز وقت خوابشه. گرمسیریه. از سرما می‌ترسه. آفتاب باید خیلی گرم باشه که اعتماد کنه. ...

I though, this little thing does not belong to this region. Here half the spring is still like winter for her. It is still sleeping time for her. She is tropical, she is afraid of cold. The sun should shine very warm for her to trust....

(Source)

Fortunate

2009-04-04T14:15:00.006+02:00

Dear reader,
there are people in the world who know no misery and woe. And they take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves.

There are people who know that there's always a mystery to be solved. And they take comfort in researching and writing down any important evidence.

But this story is not about such people. This story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something.
Something to invent,
something to read,
something to bite,
and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small.

And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed.
-- Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

There is indeed always something. Something to invent, something to read, and something to bite. :)

The Deal...

2008-11-23T13:57:00.003+01:00

گفتم خراج مصر طلب می کند لبت
گفتا درین معامله کمتر زیان کنند
-- حافظ

"Tis Egypt's tribute thy lips require for fee"
"In such transaction the less the loss shall be."
-- J. Arberry, Fifty Poems of Hafiz

How are you?

2008-10-13T01:08:00.001+02:00

How, is but the state following the function of what,
And what I am is a secluded girl,
Whose sober wishes never learned to stray;
Along the cool sequestered vale of life,
She keeps the noiseless tenor of her way.
Seeking virtue yet sustaining vice,
She strives for vivacity in odds with vicissitudes of fate's play.

Volition is the verdict,
Yet held not as a votive, but in vain...

--
Credits goes to V and Gray

Circumstances

2008-06-25T19:39:00.002+02:00

"People are always blaming circumstances for what they are. I do not believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they cannot find them, they make them." -- George Bernard Shaw

I'm discovering Bernard Shaw lately, some nice quotes are attributed to him. He has a special way of putting things, there is a name coined for it in English , for his ironic wit, as "Shavian" (see Wikipedia). Here is another quote of his: "My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world."

Measure anew...

2008-06-18T17:40:00.003+02:00

The person who behave sensibly is my tailor, he takes my measures anew everytime he sees me. All the rest go on with their old measurements. -- George Bernard Shaw

That is a key point to keep in mind, that people experience, learn, grow, and therefore change as time goes by. The fellow you have seen yesterday, is not the same person today. Life is not a deterministic finite automaton, and not even a probabilistic Markov Chain, you can never predict someone's future or all possible futures, just based on what you've seen from him or her in the past or present. The only thing that stays the same is that people are people, they are human beings, regardless of how cruel or how inhuman they have been so far. So every time we see people, we should treat them as a human being deserves, we should measure them anew.

With no loss of enthusiasm...

2008-06-04T07:44:00.001+02:00

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm. -- Winston Churchill

The importance of stupidity in scientific research

2008-06-03T20:55:00.003+02:00

That is the title of an article by Dr. Schwartz, a professor of Biomedical Engineering at U of Virginia. A short and interesting article, and probably helpful for those who are struggling with some research project. If you have done a research project on your own, you are familiar with the moments when you just want to bang your head against the desk, or monitor (or whatever hard place you can find), from the frustration of days and nights of being stuck with apparently unsolvable questions and problems at hand, and feeling you are the most stupid person in the universe. How to manage your stupidity or at a higher level, how to turn it into "productive stupidity", is quite a lesson you should learn in the course of a good research work.

A good adviser could play a key role here, in helping you over come the frustration you'd feel from time to time. Whenever I feel frustrated or hopeless after some time of not making progress or even having results that shows some assumptions from the beginning were false, my adviser here tells me, "hey that is science, if it was supposed to be easy and straightforward, we would have been out of business!"

Anyway, here are some interesting excerpts from the article:

What makes it difficult is that research is immersion in the unknown. We just don’t know what we’re doing. We can’t be sure whether we’re asking the right question or doing the right experiment until we get the answer or the result.

Science involves confronting our ‘absolute stupidity’. That kind of stupidity is an existential fact, inherent in our efforts to push our way into the unknown. Preliminary and thesis exams have the right idea when the faculty committee pushes until the student starts getting the answers wrong or gives up and says, ‘I don’t know’. The point of the exam isn’t to see if the student gets all the answers right. If they do, it’s the faculty who failed the exam.

Productive stupidity means being ignorant by choice. Focusing on important questions puts us in the awkward position of being ignorant. One of the beautiful things about science is that it allows us to bumble along, getting it wrong time after time, and feel perfectly fine as long as we learn something each time. No doubt, this can be difficult for students who are accustomed to getting the answers right.

...but I think scientific education might do more to ease what is a very big transition: from learning what other people once discovered to making your own discoveries. The more comfortable we become with being stupid, the deeper we will wade into the unknown and the more likely we are to make big discoveries.
-- Martin A. Schwartz

Pilgrim

2008-06-01T20:20:00.002+02:00

Pilgrim, how you journey
on the road you chose
to find out why the winds die
and where the stories go.
All days come from one day
that much you must know,
you cannot change what's over
but only where you go.

One way leads to diamonds,
one way leads to gold,
another leads you only
to everything you're told.
In your heart you wonder
which of these is true;
the road that leads to nowhere,
the road that leads to you.
...
-- Enya (Pilgrim)

Second after second and day by day

2008-05-28T18:41:00.003+02:00

And you can easily gamble your life away...
Second after second and day by day...

Come away, O human child

2008-05-28T17:02:00.003+02:00

...
Where the wave of moonlight glosses
The dim grey sands with light,
Far off by furthest Rosses
We foot it all the night,
Weaving olden dances,
Mingling hands and mingling glances
Till the moon has taken flight;
To and fro we leap
And chase the frothy bubbles,
While the world is full of troubles
And is anxious in its sleep.
Come away, O human child!
To the waters of the wild
With a faery hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
...
-- William Butler Yeats

Stolen Child is among my most favorite poems. It has such a hallucinative effect on me, perfect for hard and gloomy times, when you really feel you want to take refuge to a place where the wandering water gushes and the drowsy water rats. Oh I wished for little faeries to come and steal me away, to the leafy island, full of berries, and of reddest stolen cherries....

In the dew of little things...

2008-05-20T20:04:00.001+02:00

In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed. - Kahlil Gibran

ٌWash your heart all through...

2008-05-02T12:25:00.005+02:00

...
رو سینه را چون سینه ها هفت آب شو از کینه ها
وآنگه شراب عشق را پیمانه شو پیمانه شو
...
آن گوشوار شاهدان هم صحبت عارض شده
آن گوش و عارض بایدت دردانه شو دردانه شو
...
اندیشه ات جایی رود وآنگه تو را آن جا کشد
ز اندیشه بگذر چون قضا پیشانه شو پیشانه شو
...

Knock, Knock...

2008-04-25T19:55:00.000+02:00

knockin' on heaven's door

Unweaving a Rainbow

2008-04-18T16:36:00.002+02:00

Do not all charms fly
At the touch of cold philosophy?
Philosophy will clip an Angel's wings,
Conquer all mysteries by rule and line,
Empty the haunted air, and gnomed mine–
Unweave a rainbow...
- John Keats

I'm not sure if I agree with Keats in saying "all charms fly at the touch of philosophy". You can try to understand the physics of the world around you and still, as William Wordsworth says, feel your heart leaps when you behold a rainbow in the sky.

And here are some fantastic shots of a double rainbow, it does really make your heart leap!

Be my friend

2008-04-14T01:45:00.001+02:00

Don't walk in front of me,
I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me,
I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.
-- Albert Camus

Shiverings of a leaf

2008-04-09T20:03:00.017+02:00

...
خوابم بر بود ، خوابي ديدم: تابش آبي در خواب ، لرزش برگي در آب.
اين سو تاريكي مرگ ، آن سو زيبايي برگ. اينها چه، آنها چيست، انبوه زمان ها چيست؟
اين مي شكفد، ترس تماشا دارد. آن مي گذرد، وحشت دريا دارد.
پرتو محرابي ، مي تابي. من هيچم: پيچك خوابي. بر نرده اندوه تو مي پيچم.
...
-- سهراب

--
Image from: Flame Fractals offer a feast for the eyes

Mirror

2008-04-04T23:03:00.002+02:00

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful-
The eye of the little god, four cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.
Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish
-- Sylvia Plath

I wished I had a mirror, a lake, in which I could look and search for what I really am. Sometimes (for me often), I feel I'm so lost. It is a terrifying sensation, to feel you are so far away from yourself. It makes you feel even lonelier than ever.

2008-03-18T16:37:00.002+01:00

Simple, but not Easy! The question is, do you have what it takes...?

Bronze Statue with Feet of Clay

2008-03-14T13:53:00.003+01:00

A bronze statue with feet of clay ...
A lot of varnish with little root ...

... that is what I hope I won't end up to be.

Brave or Cautious

2008-03-13T11:49:00.000+01:00

The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. (Princess Diaries)

Instead of puzzling over mysterious, he puzzled over the commonplace!

2008-03-06T12:08:00.004+01:00

His cocky contempt for authority led him to question received wisdom in ways that well-trained acolytes in the academy never contemplated. And as for his slow verbal development, he thought that it allowed him to observe with wonder the everyday phenomena that others took for granted. Instead of puzzling over mysterious things, he puzzled over the commonplace. "When I ask myself how it happened that I in particular discovered the relativity theory, it seemed to lie in the following circumstance," Einstein once explained. "The ordinary adult never bothers his head about the problems of space and time. These are things he has thought of as a child. But I developed so slowly that I began to wonder about space and time only when I was already grown up. Consequently, I probed more deeply into the problem than an ordinary child would have." -- W. ISAACSON

That is a paragraph of an interesting article on TIME, called Einstein & Faith. It is just a great gift, to be able to puzzle over the commonplace. I have always envied people who have an eye for the marvel and beauty of the simple.

Maryam, Did you know…?

2008-02-25T13:45:00.005+01:00

"... So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good
Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good ..."
-- (Sound of Music)

There comes times in your life when you wonder what have you ever done that made you deserve the greatness of what you are blessed with. Things that come to you, so suddenly, so strong, in moments of doubt and disbelieve, and sweep away your prejudice in a perfect way you had never imagined possible. Somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have definitely done something good...!

- Photo from the 2007 AAPT High School Photo Contest

And then I don't feel so bad...

2008-01-26T05:44:00.000+01:00

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

(My Favorite Things, from the musical The Sound of Music)

Confusion

2008-01-15T22:13:00.000+01:00

When you are thinking about something you don't understand you have a terrible, uncomfortable feeling called confusion. It is a very difficult and unhappy business, and so most of the time you are rather unhappy actually, with this confusion, you can't penetrate this thing.

Now, the confusion is, because we are all some kind of apes that are kind of stupid trying to figure out how to put two sticks together to reach the banana, and we can't quite make it. So I always feel stupid. Once in a while, I put the two sticks together, and I reach the banana. --Richard Feynman

That was a very interesting piece I came by on Shefa. This explains a lot about why I look unhappy sometimes. That is because I am easily confused, I'm not that bright!* You can watch Feynman saying the above in an interview here.

--
* Read that with Chandler's intonation when saying:
"And we’re easily confused. We’re not very bright." (Friends, E10.15)

Know what you are!

2008-01-13T22:28:00.000+01:00

"Everyone sees what you seem to be, but few know what you are."
-- Niccolo Machiavelli

Good to remember this from time to time, sometimes the personality people see or rather want to see in you, eludes you of what you truly are. Therefor it is important to have some people in your life (friends or even foes) who can really see through you, and remind you of your true self.

Exalt your reason to the height of passion...

2008-01-12T19:06:00.000+01:00

...Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion; that it may sing; And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through it's own daily resurrection and like the phoenix rise above it's own ashes.

I would have you consider your judgment and your appetite even as you would two loved guests in your house. Surely you would not honour one guest above the other; for he who is more mindful of one loses the love and the faith of both.
-- Kahlil Gibran (The Prophet, On Reason and Passion)

It is all about balance... all about being "the lover of all your elements"!

True source of education...

2008-01-11T16:45:00.000+01:00

And this our life, exempt from public haunt,
Finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks,
Sermons in stones, and good in everything.
-- Shakespeare (As You Like It, II.i)

A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again!

2008-01-05T21:17:00.000+01:00

"... advertisement that pretends to be art is, at absolute best, like somebody who smiles warmly at you only because he wants something from you. This is dishonest, but what's sinister is the cumulative effect that such dishonesty has on us: since it offers a perfect facsimile or simulacrum of goodwill without goodwill's real spirit, it messes with our heads and eventually starts upping our defenses even in cases of genuine smiles and real art and true goodwill. It makes us feel confused and lonely and impotent and angry and scared. It causes despair. ...

...This is related to the phenomenon of the Professional Smile, a national pandemic in the service industry; and no place in my experience have I been on the receiving end of as many Professional Smiles as I am on the [cruise ship] Nadir: maitre d's, Chief Stewards, Hotel Managers' minions, Cruise Director -- their PS's all come on like switches at my approach. But also back at land at banks, restaurants, airline ticket counters, on and on. You know this smile: the strenuous contraction of circumoral fascia with incomplete zygomatic involvement, the smile that doesn't quite reach the smiler's eyes and that signifies nothing more than a calculated attempt to advance the smiler's own interests by pretending to like the smilee. Why do employers and supervisors force professional service people to broadcast the Professional Smile? Am I the only consumer in whom high doses of such a smile produce despair?
...
And yet the Professional Smile's absence now also causes despair. Anybody who has ever bought a pack of gum at a Manhattan cigar store or asked for something to be stamped FRAGILE at a Chicago post office or tried to obtain a glass of water from a South Boston waitress knows well the soul-crushing effect of a service workers scowl, ie. the humiliation and resentment of being denied the Professional Smile. And the Professional Smile has by now skewed even my resentment at the dreaded Professional Scowl: I walk away from the Manhattan tobacconist resenting not the counterman's character or absence of good will but his lack of professionalism in denying me the Smile. ..."

Sometime ago while reading about smiling, its source, meaning, strength, etc., I came across these excerpts from an essay by D. F. Wallace titled A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again. Reading it, I felt how much his account of how professional smiles make him feel, is similar to my experience. Especially the result of constant inconvenience of receiving these forceful smiles, and how it could confuse you about the real and genuine ones: "it messes with our heads and eventually starts upping our defenses even in cases of genuine smiles and real art and true goodwill." But what could be done about it now, now that not receiving it also makes you feel unhappy?

Stupid

2008-01-04T15:11:00.000+01:00

* Are you stupid or something?
** Stupid is as stupid does.

(Forrest Gump)

Providence

2007-12-28T20:50:00.000+01:00

"Not a whit, we defy augury. There is special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come—the readiness is all. Since no man, of aught he leaves, knows what is't to leave betimes, let be." -- Shakespeare (Hamlet, Act V. Scene II)

Let be...

Know then thyself, presume not God to scan!

2007-12-28T14:54:00.000+01:00

The story of Alexander Pope and I was love at first sight! From the very first verse I read from him, I was captured by the beauty and power of his writing. I guess that is not surprising, he is known to be the third most frequently quoted writer in the English language after Shakespeare and Tennyson, but I guess out mutual interest in epic is the reason behind my special interest in him (he is the translator of Homer's Iliad into English). I had once quoted a part of An Essay on Criticism and here is another piece from "An Essay on Man" (You can read the complete Epistle II here).

Know then thyself, presume not God to scan;
The proper study of mankind is man.
Plac'd on this isthmus of a middle state,
A being darkly wise, and rudely great:
With too much knowledge for the sceptic side,
With too much weakness for the stoic's pride,
He hangs between; in doubt to act, or rest;
In doubt to deem himself a god, or beast;
In doubt his mind or body to prefer;
Born but to die, and reas'ning but to err;
Alike in ignorance, his reason such,
Whether he thinks too little, or too much:
Chaos of thought and passion, all confus'd;
Still by himself abus'd, or disabus'd;
Created half to rise, and half to fall;
Great lord of all things, yet a prey to all;
Sole judge of truth, in endless error hurl'd:
The glory, jest, and riddle of the world!

Knowing...

2007-12-26T20:11:00.000+01:00

Don't think you are, know you are!

Mathematizing Love!

2007-12-23T22:41:00.001+01:00

There is this funny article titled "The Calculus of Saying 'I Love You'", talking about a postdoctoral fellow in Chemistry and an engineering doctoral student, discussing when the right time is to say "I love you"!

The engineer says he wants to say it when he is sure of it and when his love has reached a significant point. He claims that would be when dLove/dt = zero. The article argues that the second derivative might actually be a better choice... Just read it, it is funny, and yet perhaps insightful :) This is what happens to people like me who want to drive most of their life through logic! But sometimes I wonder if this is just loosing precious time, and that cold reason is butchering something beautiful, something dear here... Perhaps this is just a way of justifying your lack of courage!

Oh Grace!

2007-12-10T22:17:00.000+01:00

I held a jewel in my fingers
And went to sleep.
The day was warm, and winds were prosy;
I said: "’T will keep."

I woke and chid my honest fingers, --
The gem was gone;
And now an amethyst remembrance
Is all I own.

-- Emily Dickinson

Nagito ergo sum!

2007-12-05T01:05:00.000+01:00

People lay the foundation of grand theories like Information Theory in their master thesis, and I am going to become the founder of the grand theory of Nagging through my work (primarily nagging to myself) here!

Become an expert in a field, or may be not!

2007-12-03T00:10:00.000+01:00

I was playing around with this Lecture Browser of MIT, where I came to an interesting talk by Sylvia Nasar, the author of "A Beautiful Mind" which is the story of John Nash. Somewhere in the talk, she says something interesting about how and why Nash never tried to be an expert in any field:

... what he did was to simplify a complex problem that appeared to defy solution by pursuing a strategy that the experts in the field [had set up for] and he never tried to be an expert in any field because he felt that absorbing the work of other people would dull his creativity.

A friend of his once tried to describe Nash's style of thinking to me by saying: Everyone else would climb a pick by looking up for a path somewhere up the mountain, not Nash. Nash would go over a completely different mountain he would climb a completely different mountain and from that distant peak would shine a searchlight back on the first one...

MIT's Lecture Browser, Dehkhoda and Moien online and Nastaliq!

2007-12-02T22:43:00.000+01:00

People at MIT's CSAIL has set up this very interesting Lecture Browser system, which with the help of voice recognition systems, gives you the ability to search through lectures given at MIT (I think the whole audio and video database is not yet available there, but that is the plan).

In the introduction video the project is described like this:

"Conventional search engines are all text based, and that's been very effective, it's great. There's all sorts of text on the web but it doesn't do anything for audio and video materials and this type of data is just exploding these days it's becoming easier than ever to create, to store, to disseminate these kinds of data. Just look at the explosion of podcasting for example this project is all about letting people search inside video material of recorded lectures, to find particular snippets that they're interested in..."

This is just great. Although it is not as powerful as you would expect, the ranking of the results doesn't look that good and there isn't much possibility for using complex search queries, it is still a great idea. Perhaps the idea has been around for long, but putting it in practice for lectures given at MIT, I think, is going to show how useful applying semi-perfect voice recognition to a voice/video database and indexing the database based on that is going to be.

We have a long way to go before we can have this for videos and audios of speeches given in Persian. As far as I know, we are far behind in the voice recognition and NLP systems for Persian; there isn't even a proper marked-up database of Persian scripts or voice recordings, which is necessary for the current technology for building a functioning voice recognition or NLP system for the language.

Talking of Persian, it's been long I have been looking for a proper Persian-Persian dictionary online and I had always wished looking up words in Persian would have been as easy as looking up words in English. Fortunately last week I found Mibo, which gives you the possibility of looking up Persian words in the two prominent dictionaries of Dehkhoda and Moien. There seems to be some legal and copyright problems and some people are trying to shut the site down (based on what Tehran Emrooz says), but I hope people instead of shutting it down, spend the effort on having a legal version online first.

Another good news related to Persian language I heard last week was that within a Tasma or Takfa supported project, the Nastaliq font is developed and freely available online (the release announcement, download link). It looks to have some problems with پ and چ that comes before the end ی, and the size of the font is relatively smaller than the other fonts, but if these bugs are fixed it would be just great.

A Deeply Religious Man!

2007-11-25T23:59:00.000+01:00

"The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed. It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion. A knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, our perceptions of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty, which only in their most primitive forms are accessible to our minds: it is this knowledge and this emotion that constitute true religiosity. In this sense, and only this sense, I am a deeply religious man... I am satisfied with the mystery of life's eternity and with a knowledge, a sense, of the marvelous structure of existence -- as well as the humble attempt to understand even a tiny portion of the Reason that manifests itself in nature."
-- Albert Einstein (The World As I See It)

This is just a fantastic way of describing true religiosity! And I can't agree more with this sentence: "Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed." It is a pity though, that among the first things most people lose, regardless of their being an atheists, agnostics or blindly religious, are seeking, wondering and marveling.

You can read an abridged version of the essay here.

Ringing in my ears...

2007-11-23T00:45:00.000+01:00

...
گويم سخن را بازگو
مردي كَرم ز آغازگو

هين بي ملولي شرح كن
من سخت كُند و كودنم

گوید که آن گوش گران
بهتر ز هوش دیگران

صد فضل دارد این بر آن
کانجا هوا اینجا منم
...
-- مولوی

Sear-born Treasures

2007-11-21T16:53:00.000+01:00

I wiped away the weeds and foam,
I fetched my sea-born treasures home;
But the poor, unsightly, noisome things
had left their beauty on the shore,
With the sun and the sand and the wild uproar
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Here they are.

I just wished I could go collect shells instead of the _not studying_ here....

It is not something discovered: it is something molded

2007-11-15T17:34:00.000+01:00

Happiness! It is useless to seek it elsewhere than in this warmth of human relations. Our sordid interests imprison us within their walls. Only a comrade can grasp us by the hand and haul us free.

And these human relations must be created. One must go through an apprenticeship to learn the job. Games and risk are a help here. When we exchange manly handshakes, compete in races, join together to save one of us who is in trouble, cry aloud for help in the hour of danger - only then do we learn that we are not alone on earth.

Each man must look to himself to learn the meaning of life. It is not something discovered: it is something moulded. These prison walls that the age of trade has built around us, we can break down. We can still run free, call to our comrades, and marvel to hear once more, in response to our call, the chant of the human voice. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery (Terre des Hommes, aka. Wind, Sand and Stars)

I have recently and gradually come to learn that it is such a greatness, beyond measure, to grasp the true value of human relations.

And good relations and true friendships are definitely molded through persistence and courage, not achieved over night out of sheer luck,... almost everything is so. Talking of luck and chance, Salman has an interesting post in his bugs of life series, called, "Chance is not just out of chance". Interesting read (in Persian).

Epigrams on Programming

2007-11-02T22:07:00.000+01:00

"Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers." -- Alan J. Perlis

This quote is from an interesting text by Alan J. Perlis called Epigrams on Programming. There are some 130 quite interesting epigrams there, worth a look.

Rain or rainbow... and what about pain?

2007-10-30T18:40:00.000+01:00

"There could be no rainbow, without a little rain." -- Susan Polis Schutz*

And pain... some say it's the only education worth having! However, perhaps it is also important to keep in mind that

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." -- Dalai Lama*

* Both quotes seems be old sayings somehow rephrased by the mentioned people.

My great task of happiness...

2007-10-26T20:44:00.000+02:00

If I have faltered more or less
In my great task of happiness;
If I have moved among my race
And shown no glorious morning face;
If beams from happy human eyes
Have moved me not; if morning skies,
Books, and my food, and summer rain
Knocked on my sullen heart in vain: –
Lord, Thy most pointed pleasure take
And stab my spirit broad awake;
Or, Lord, if too obdurate I,
Choose Thou, before that spirit die,
A piercing pain, a killing sin,
And to my dead heart run them in!

-- R. L. Stevenson (The Celestial Surgeon)

Procrastination

2007-10-26T16:41:00.000+02:00

I saw this interesting cartoon on our myETH pages today, which made me go read on Procrastination.

Procrastination is a type of "avoidance behavior" which is characterized by deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. It is often cited by psychologists as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision.
...
For the person procrastinating this may result in stress, a sense of guilt, the loss of personal productivity, the creation of crisis and the chagrin of others for not fulfilling one's responsibilities or commitments.
...
Procrastinators are also thought to have a higher-than-normal level of conscientiousness, more based on the "dreams and wishes" of perfection...
...
Author David Allen brings up two major psychological causes of procrastination at work and in life which are related to anxiety, not laziness. The first category comprises things too small to worry about, tasks that are an annoying interruption in the flow of things, and for which there are low-impact workarounds; an example might be organizing a messy room. The second category comprises things too big to control, tasks that a person might fear, or for which the implications might have a great impact on a person's life; an example might be the adult children of a deteriorating senior parent deciding what living arrangement would be best.
...
Traditionally, procrastination has been associated with perfectionism, a tendency to negatively evaluate outcomes and one's own performance...[wikipedia]

It just so describes me...

The important sacrifice

2007-10-17T18:10:00.000+02:00

"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become." -- Charles DuBois

Becoming of use?

2007-10-13T00:25:00.000+02:00

I was thinking that in the recent past, I've been spending too much of my time just thinking about my fears or writing seethes here. I was thinking about this quote from Knuth today:

"The important thing, once you have enough to eat and a nice house, is what you can do for others, what you can contribute to the enterprise as a whole."

After the first month here, which was more of a survival effort, I think it is time for me to try to make myself useful in some way. I really don't know what I can do that would be of any benefit to others though, but I should start from somewhere... (any suggestion?). Perhaps having the following quote in mind as the ultimate goal could help:

"Be the change you want to see in the world." -- Ghandi

Théorie analytique des probabilités

2007-10-10T23:24:00.000+02:00

"Probability theory is nothing but common sense reduced to calculation" -- Laplace

A sad thin thought!

2007-10-08T00:15:00.000+02:00

"And think how lonely would be the little fish if she falls in love with the boundless blue of the sea?"

-- Sohrab Sepehri (Mosafer, Pilgrim)

Where is thy land?

2007-10-07T23:49:00.000+02:00

I am drunk and you are mad
Who'll take us home...?
...
I asked "where is thy land?"
With laughter said
"Half from the Arabian sand
And half a heavenly strand."

"Half made of water and clay
Half soul and half solar ray
Half on the shallow beaches lay
Half from the oyster's pearly play."
...
-- Rumi

Hush...

2007-09-30T23:59:00.001+02:00

...

Hush, lay down your troubled mind
The day has vanished and left us behind
And the wind, whispering soft lullabies
Will soothe, so close your weary eyes

Let your arms enfold us
Through the dark of night
Will your angels hold us
Till we see the light

Sleep, angels will watch over you
And soon beautiful dreams will come true
Can you feel spirits embracing your soul
So dream while secrets of darkness unfold
...
-- Prayer (Secret Garden)

Daddy what if...

2007-09-29T16:28:00.000+02:00

Son: Daddy what if the sun stop shinin' what would happen then

Daddy:
If the sun stopped shinin' you'd be so surprised
You'd stare at the heavens with wide open eyes
And the wind would carry your light to the skies
And the sun would start shinin' again

Son: Daddy what if the wind stopped blowin' what would happen then

Daddy:
If the wind stopped blowin' then the land would be dry
And your boat wouldn't sail son and your kite wouldn't fly
And the grass would see your troubles and she'd tell the wind
And the wind would start blowin' again

Son: But daddy what if the grass stopped growin' what would happen then

Daddy:
If the grass stopped growin' why you'd probably cry
And the ground would be watered by the tears from your eyes
And like your love for me the grass would grow so high
Yes the grass would start growin' again

Son: But daddy what if I stopped lovin' you what would happen then

Daddy:
If you stopped lovin' me then the grass would stop growin'
The sun would stop shinin' and the wind would stop blowin'
So you see if you wanna keep this old world a goin'
You better start lovin' me again again you better start lovin' me again
You hear me Bobby you better start lovin' me again
You love me Bobby you better start lovin' me again

- Shel Silverstein (A nice clip of this poem)

Hier ist immer etwas los!

2007-09-28T17:23:00.000+02:00

I like Zurich and ETH very much, you can hardly find the time to attend all the interesting events and Colloquia. So far I've been to a natural history exhibition at Uni Zurich, the Alles ist Spiel exhibition at ETH library, which was fabulous (an exhibition of different games and how they have attracted mathematicians, in a historic perspective), and unfortunately I missed a very good Colloquium called "Joy of Programming".

And tonight I'm off to Nacht der Forschung or Researchers Night 2007 in Zurich, at the Lake of Zurich! It should be very interesting! I'll let you know! :)

Comrade

2007-09-24T00:39:00.000+02:00

"To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be."
- Anna Louise Strong

Flower of stone

2007-09-23T00:21:00.000+02:00

Flower of stone, flower of stone
That's what I am, left here alone.
Shadows so dark, makes me feel cold
Nothing but emptiness here has grown.

From a performance by Monika Jalili.

Quo Vadis?

2007-09-22T21:53:00.000+02:00

Zurich, an alpine city with fantastic sceneries, classy transportations, strangest German dialect, and fantastic chocolates and cheese!

I was going back to my dorm a few nights ago, it was exactly midnight and for the first time since I had arrived in Zurich, I looked up at the night's sky. The W, or Cassiopeia, was right above my head. I remembered the first time I looked at Stockholm's night sky, and how shocked I was for noticing that most everything was not at the place it always used to be; there Ursa Minor was almost above my head and I could see constellations that were not supposed to be seen in the sky at the same time (not supposed to be seen at my hometown's night sky that is).

When you move around, many things change in your environment, the look and feel of the place, the buildings, the signs, the plants, the way people dress and most obvious of all, the language. But for me, none of all those has ever had an effect as powerful as noticing the changes in the sky. It is like the final verdict, that proves that I have moved, and I am in a new place now!

It is just the contrary of a saying we have in Persian, "Where ever you go, the color of sky would be the same!". It is definitely not so, in the outside at least. But perhaps in the inside, skies stay the same. My internal sky has stayed the same for a long time now, it is gray, with a touch of pink!

= = =

Vienna, good old Vienna. It was a weird feeling, walking by the consuming silence of Donna (Danube) again, remembering the meditating nights I had, gazing at the dancing lights of the bridges over the calm flow of the water. The water looked so calm, but it surely carried the huge burden of what it had seen on its way since it had left the springs, the falls it had passed, the floods it had caused..., but it still had a long way to go; and so did I, and so did I.

= = =

Tehran, the hot city of dry eyes and lost cries.... The capital of my country, whose state and affairs hurt me, just like most other things I love do.

The stay in Tehran this time was just a simple one day transit stay, perhaps not that simple though. Our flight from Mashhad to Tehran was scheduled to be at 7:45pm, and we got home in Tehran at 5am next day. Mashhad's airport was just like a war zone that night, I have traveled quite a lot with plane, but I had never experienced such a havoc. The result of it for me was three broken nails (finger and thumb) and a twisted wrist!

= = =

Mashhad, home. It is already three weeks since I left it again, but it looks like a year. I don't know how on earth I survived the last days, I just have a vague recollection of trying to stay sane, keep my face straight, and handle what I had to handle. And also of reciting these verses from a poem by Saadi (here is the song):

ای ساربان آهسته رو کآرام جانم میرود
وان دل که با خود داشتم با دلستانم میرود

من ماندهام مهجور از او بیچاره و رنجور از او
گویی که نیشی دور از او در استخوانم میرود
...
او میرود دامن کشان من زهر تنهایی چشان
دیگر مپرس از من نشان کز دل نشانم میرود
...
در رفتن جان از بدن گویند هر نوعی سخن
من خود به چشم خویشتن دیدم که جانم میرود

The greatest thing you'll ever learn...

2007-08-28T06:14:00.000+02:00

There was a boy...
A very strange enchanted boy.
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea,
A little shy and sad of eye
But very wise was he.

And then one day,
One magic day, he passed my way.
And while we spoke of many things,
Fools and kings,
This he said to me,
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return."

-- Celine Dion (A New Day Has Come)

Vocabulary

2007-08-21T23:35:00.001+02:00

Taciturn, reluctant, reticent...
Somber, dreary, gloomy, ...
Scared, frighted, panicked...
Confused, addled,...
Lonely, desolate...

Respiration, breathing!

Fantastic, is much less interesting!

2007-08-17T13:48:00.000+02:00

"In this I owe a debt to G.K. Chesterton, who pointed out on many occasions that the fantastic, when looked at properly, is much less interesting (and a lot less fantastic) than the everyday.

Take Magical lights, for example, A wizard snaps his finger and light appears. Where's the fun in that? He's only doing what wizards do. But a bunch of apes weren't doing what apes do when they learned, over half a million years, how to take the universe apart and put it together again so that a bit of it was now th electric light bulb."
-Terry Pratchet, The Art of the Discworld

I was thinking about something along the same line (or just similar) as the above today. As my departure day is getting closer, I was looking at my bookshelf with regret that there are lots and lots that I should have read and again I'm going to leave all these books behind, unread, in my library and go to another place, with yet bigger libraries that I won't be able to read even one thousandth of it during my whole life.

For a second I wished I could learn it all in ein augenblick, something similar to what people were doing on-board the Nebuchadnezzar (remember Trinity learning how to pilot a helicopter?). But again I thought, where would the fun be in knowing that much, in learning everything in an instant? I think, the greatest joys of life come not from the things you've always known, but they come at the moments when you understand or realize something that you've been trying to understand for sometime. All the adventure, the excitement and everything is in the pursuit of knowledge, the knowledge by itself is perhaps just boring!

...for who could ever learn to love a beast?

2007-08-13T11:03:00.000+02:00

Once upon a time,
in a faraway land,
a young prince lived in a shining castle.
Although he had everything his heart desired,
the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind.
But then,
one winter's night,
an old beggar woman came to the castle
and offered him a single rose
in return for shelter from the bitter cold.
Repulsed by her haggard appearance,
the prince sneered at the gift
and turned the old woman away,
but she warned him not to be deceived by appearances,
for beauty is found within.
And when he dismissed her again,
the old woman's ugliness melted away
to reveal a beautiful enchantress.
The prince tried to apologize,
but it was too late,
for she had seen that there was no love in his heart,
and as punishment,
she transformed him into a hideous beast,
and placed a powerful spell on the castle, and all who lived there.
Ashamed of his monstrous form,
the beast concealed himself inside his castle,
with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world.
The rose she had offered
was truly an enchanted rose,
which would bloom until his twenty-first year.
If he could learn to love another,
and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell,
then the spell would be broken.
If not,
he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time.

As the years passed,
he fell into despair,
and lost all hope,
for who could ever learn to love a beast?
-- The introduction part of the "Beauty and the Beast"

I simply love this animation movie, especially the introduction part.

Twice

2007-08-04T09:20:00.000+02:00

"When you don't show up, it hurts twice. Not only for I realize you don't care to come, but also for I loose the chance to see you!"

Bow and Arrow!

2007-08-02T22:55:00.000+02:00

"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you
with his might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that
is stable." -- "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran

Muscle failures!

2007-07-31T08:54:00.000+02:00

Have your muscles ever failed you? Well, that is a very broad question, you can say which muscle and considering that your body has more than 630 muscles, you can make a very long list of how each of your muscles can fail and how that could affect you! I'll bring a few samples here:

If your heart's muscles fail, you will have a cardiac arrest! That is the sort of muscle failure I've had in my nightmares in the past 12 years!

Have you ever heard of the phrase “my knees failed me”? That's actually the tight muscles that fail you. It is when under tremendous pressure (emotional or physical) you are unable to move or just fall down. It is quite common when you are faced with a great fear, or you are extremely nervous.

If your tongue and throat muscles fail you, you’d be unable to utter something comprehensible. It usually happens when you have a good deal to say, but some intensified emotions or confusions lock your voice in! One could also experience it while dreaming. It has happened to me many times, that while dreaming (or rather having a nightmare), I start screaming and I feel that my throat muscles are failing me since I don't hear my own voice and usually at this point I wake up!

The most interesting is perhaps when your facial muscles fail you. They can fail you both ways, to reflect your feelings when you really want to cover things up, and to fail you in showing what your true feelings are when you want to show them! Having control to restrain your facial muscles is sometimes good, to be able to keep a neutral face. But it gets really frustrating when your _trained to be neutral face_, don't budge to reflect your simplest feelings, like smiling!

Interesting, isn't it?

Minuscule fantasy

2007-07-28T02:33:00.000+02:00

My dearest Niki had his big day. I talked to him before and after it, he was nervous. I was nervous too, everybody was nervous. But happy at the same time. Amidst all the turmoil, the thought of his big day was something that gave me the feeling that fireworks are in order. Still, it was/is bittersweet.

And I did have the fireworks, and the tears too! Although very short and minuscule, there is a sanction on dreams and fantasies for the time being. I don't remember much about it, I just know I did have it.

And I can't tell them. Or shall I? I didn't ask to grow this fast, or did I? And now the responsibility is upon me, or is it? But certainly the guilt. Or is this the natural order of life? People come to life and people leave it to make way for the new?

The new loves the old, but has a certain way of restraining it. The old but loves him in the extremest public way. And they both love me (I think), but I haven't learned to give them back. Anger, fear and desperation sucks it all before it reaches my skin.

My aunt said I'm an incapable person, a waste. I thought I had got used to her offenses and insults, but this frank into my face, with her eyes testifying that she was just telling the truth from the bottom of her heart, it cracked and it took just too much an effort to hold together. Luckily there was chips and sandwiches to get reinforced and busy with. I feel like liking her more though, at least she is frank. The bliss of ignorance is long gone. Most everything is gone, or has been exiled.

I learned the Prim at last! I've made up my mind, enough of the humiliation and degradation. I just don't fit in, that is all. But Graphs are nice, so perhaps they have some room for me, they are polite and elegant, and sometimes handsome too! There are still things to hang on to!

Just nicely put...

2007-07-28T02:19:00.000+02:00

داری می‌روی؟
داری من را با همه‌ی تراژدی‌ها، همه‌ی مترسک‌ها، همه‌ی ‏خوک‌ها، همه‌ی کرگدن‌ها، همه‌ی ماهی‌ها، همه‌ی رودخانه‌ها، ‏همه‌ی ماهی‌گیرها، همه‌ی گورکن‌ها، همه‌ی همه‌شان، تنها ‏می‌گذاری؟
من با همه‌ی تراژدی‌ها، مترسک‌ها، خوک‌ها، کرگدن‌ها، ماهی‌ما، ‏رودخانه‌ها، ماهی‌گیرها، گورکن‌ها، همه‌شان می‌رقصم؛
می‌خندم؛
آتش‌بازی می‌کنم؛
می‌خوابم؛
‏...‏
حتماً باید امشب بروی؟ می‌خواهی همه‌شان را بفرستم مرخصی؟ ‏خیلی‌ وقت‌ست نرفته‌اند. راستش این‌طرف‌ها هم خیلی شلوغ ‏شده. می‌خواهی تمیزش کنیم؟
داری می‌روی؟

می‌ترسم تمیزش کنم و برنگردی.‏
حیف نیستند؛ اما رقص، آتش، خواب، ...‏

می‌ترسم تمیزش کنم و برگردی.‏

‎□‎‏ ‏‎□‎‏ ‏‎□‎

وقتی اسکیمو‌ئه با اون لباس همیشگی و کلفت‌ـش وارد بار شد، با ‏طعنه ازش پرسیدیم گرم‌ـت نمی‌شه؟
با همون نگاه بی‌روح و خشک‌ش گفت «من از یه جای خیلی سرد ‏می‌یام»...‏
همه ساکت شدیم. ‏
اون هم نفهمید که ما حرفی واسه گفتن داشته‌یم یا نه...‏

‎□‎

سال‌ها بعد، وقتی تو قطب دیدم‌ش که تنها با یه چوب ماهیگیری ‏بالای یکی از این چاله‌های کوچک روی زمین نشسته بود ازش ‏پرسیدم «تو این همه مدت سردت نمی‌شه؟»‏
با لحن طعنه‌دار و حاضرآماده‌ای بلند خندید.‏
پرسیدم «واقعاً تو این همه مدت تنهایی سردت نمی‌شه؟»‏
ساکت شد. ‏
و من هیچ‌وقت نفهمیدم حرفی واسه گفتن داشت یا نه...‏

‎□‎‏ ‏‎□‎‏ ‏‎□‎

-- Source: Horm

Poor sort of memory...!

2007-07-27T09:34:00.000+02:00

"White Queen: It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards!" -- Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll

A taste for Music

2007-07-16T21:18:00.000+02:00

According to my friends, I have an irregular taste when it comes to music (actually not just music but most everything!). But actually I am quite fond of my taste of music. I enjoy my music not just as something I play on the background, but I try to sense the feeling of the composer while composing or the player when playing it or see the imagery it tries to convey. This taste is not limited to any particular genre, it could be Iranian folklore music, or European classics, or even pop and rock. But the essential thing for me is the music itself, it can have a singer, but I can enjoy it only if the voice of the singer is well integrated into the music and is actually working like just another instrument in the orchestra (singers with exceptional voice or strong lyrics are exempted here).

Anyway, enough about me! I said all this because I wanted to talk about Hermes Records, which is my favorite music publisher in Iran. It has published some fabulous works that I think no other publisher in Iran would have dared to. Not for the fear of censorship, but for the fear of bankruptcy, since the audience of these kind of music is unfortunately quite limited here. You can hardly find their tapes or CDs in most music stores and to my utmost disappointment, one of the stores I knew in Mashhad who used to bring them told me today that they won't bring it since they don't get sold!

You can check out their online catalog. I have a few of their albums and I particularly like these (you can hear a sample by clicking on the name) Journey by Massoud Shaari and Christophe Rezai, Genesis by Navid Afghah, Gypsy Moon by Mohammad Reza Aligholi and Now and Then by Alireza Mortazavi.

Hermes Records is also the publisher of the Endless Vision by Hossein Alizadeh and Djivan Gasparyan, which was nominated for the Grammy Award 2006. I like the "Sari Galin" and "Shurangiz Improvisation" in this album very much.

As I said they have a very nice taste for what they publish and they do it with elegant packing as well. Most of the albums they have published have a story behind the music. For example, at the back of Gypsy Moon you can find:

"A lunatic falls in love with the Moon. He marches the world night and day, not to loose the Moon from his sight. A different style of using traditional motives accompanied by Iran's most passionate instruments like Daf, Setar, Kamancheh ..."

Or at the back of Genesis you can find:

"The story of Creation is the most important chapter in the mythology of the Babylonian civilization. Based on an ancient Sumerian tale, the order of the universe was built upon a dramatic confrontation between a Dragon-shaped creature who ruled the darkness, storms and the seas, and Mardukh, the God of Babylon. After over forcing the devil-hearted Dragon, Mardukh created the sky and the stars, the trees, animals and finally mankind.Genesis is formed in three separate parts: Genesis, Universe, Life .
Genesis, the album, is a remarkable experiment, using the diverse sound generating capabilities of Iran's traditional Drum, the Tombak. Navid Afghah, a young talented musician and Tombak player, tells the story of Creation by making a unique and colorful ambience with his instrument..."

I have planned to buy all their works and make a complete collection. Unfortunately most of what I have is on tapes and it is hard to take tapes along so I should start collecting the CDs. There are a few more of their works that I really like to get hold of before I leave, like Safar, Ditirambi and Cello Songs for Silence. I hope I can find them. I'd recommend you to treat your ears to some nice pieces as well, you won't regret it! (And no, I don't work for Hermes Records and I don't get anything from them!)

Four funerals and no weddings!

2007-07-09T22:16:00.000+02:00

I arrived in Mashhad late at Wednesday night. Watching the small light dots on the way, I was thinking "Let it crash, let it crash...". Well, it didn't crash but in the past 5 days, I've been to 4 funerals (4 different people). It seems the wish or the curse has fallen on other people and tonight at the 4th one, I was thinking of one of Parvin's poems:

سالها نرد خدایی باختی
این گره را زان گره نشناختی

But I hope things are going to be better. I've recently figured that I kind of subconsciously enjoy playing the role of a victim. I seriously need to work on it, find the courage to face my fears and accept the realities of life, learn to embrace more of it and also learn to talk.

So I am

2007-07-06T21:30:00.000+02:00

"If drunk on this precious wine, so I am
If a worshipper in this shrine, so I am
Each clan makes my image in it's own light
Maker, priest, or convert of my faith, so I am!" --Khayyam

Home, Sweet Home!

2007-07-05T00:36:00.001+02:00

Against all my anxiety and everything to come back home, it is just great to be home. After a year again, you can't imagine what a good feeling it is to sleep under a ceiling who you had opened your eyes to for about 25 years.

Dry eyes, lost cries

2007-07-04T15:26:00.000+02:00

The weather in Tehran is so hot. So hot that incites the flame within and too dry for eyes to cry. It is noisy, so noisy for the cries to be heard, and so poluted, for the eyes to meet. It is also busy, too busy for people to forward a hand or spare a time.

I might have been born wealthy, but my life is definitely not painless. Or perhaps I'm just ungrateful, selfish, arrogant and too self-centered to feel and see.

My dear basketball

2007-06-24T23:45:00.000+02:00

This year, was the first year in my life that I was away from my family for most of the important family events or holidays, like the new year and the birthdays. The side effect of being away (or perhaps the most important effect :P) was, not receiving presents! My good friends did throw me a lovely birthday party here, but when Norouz was approaching, I thought now that my lifestyle has changed, perhaps I should get myself a present. And that was how I got myself a basketball!

To my utmost grief, my dear ball, my dear companion in many light nights of Stockholm, tore apart tonight! :( A few days ago, I got the ball reinflated, but as usual I was in a hurry so I didn't check whether the pressure is right. Tonight when I took it out to play, after some dribbling, it just tore apart. But I guess I shouldn't worry much, I had to leave it behind in Stockholm anyway. One may say I'm an unfaithful owner, but anyway, I'm already planning to get a better one as soon as I arrive in Zurich :D

IAUM-CCC 4

2007-06-21T15:13:00.000+02:00

Well, it is already four years from the first IAUM-CCC. I have some good memories from those programming contest days at IAUM and I'm very happy I am still involved (Although I'm watching what is happening from outside and as we say in Persian, "فقط از دور دستی بر آتش دارم").

The forth year of the "Islamic Azad University of Mashhad - Collegiate Coding Challenge" is going to be held this summer. Although there is a possibility that I'd miss the final, I'm quite happy that I'm going to be in Mashhad for the most of it. I bet my parents will try to kill me when I tell them I'm going to be off to good old IAUM for several Fridays, but I hope by now they are used to my "hassani habit" of going to school on most of the Fridays! :P

Anyway, here are the links:

- CCC4's details and contests' program
- IAUMCCC4 weblog

The first round is held online, so spread the word and take part if you are interested in programming contests and you can read/understand Persian!

Tormenting dear...

2007-06-13T20:22:00.001+02:00

One of the worst tortures in life is to be tormented by a dear one who only has your best interest at heart...

The Road Not Taken

2007-06-11T22:09:00.001+02:00

Today I saw a poem by Robert Frost that I had sent to a friend 13 month ago.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Now that I look back at it, those days I was tormenting myself with the question whether I was taking the right road. Although I was trying to push the question to be about coming to Stockholm or going to Canada, deep down it was still more about to go or not to go. Almost everybody I knew had disapproved of my decision in a way or another, but I had dragged myself through it all, and as the time grew nearer, I was more in doubt about everything. The last week before my departure, all my muscles were tense, I didn't like to talk to people about the fact that I'm leaving, and I had postponed packing to the very last minute. As a result of all the tension, I missed doing a lot of things. I didn't properly say good bye to some friends and relatives and I didn't finish some of the work I had to do before leaving, like re-setting my parent's computer and lots of other things. Now that I think of it, I should have really invited my friends out and properly thanked them and say good bye, but I was so reluctant to bring up the matter, so everything went messy. The funny thing is I'm still afraid, afraid to death of how I'm proceeding with my life.

But I have come to realize that this fear and tension doesn't have much to do with the road I'm in, I would have it no matter which road I had taken. Why all this tension and fear? I really don't know… perhaps it is the restlessness of my soul or because of my agonizing self-disdain.

Anyway, if nothing, coming here gave me the chance to realize (in practice, I might have known this, but experience is something else) that the real question is not where I am or where I go, it is who I am and how I am. I hope yet another move reveals more of this mystery to me.

When I told my father about my decision to go to Zurich (which he was partially advising me against), he said "Yeah, that is my Maryam, you've been like this since you started walking, you couldn't stay put, or where everybody else was. If we were at a picnic, after some time, you would have gone 10 meters away, and if we joined you, you would have departed after a while again."

So I guess I just need to make peace with myself.

Friend or a shadow in the pool...

2007-06-10T13:44:00.000+02:00

"I do not want a friend who smiles when I smile, who weeps when I weep; for my shadow in the pool can do better than that." Confucius

Is self from self: a deadly banishment!

2007-06-05T14:10:00.000+02:00

And why not death rather than living torment?
To die is to be banish'd from myself;
And Silvia is myself: banish'd from her
Is self from self: a deadly banishment!
What light is light, if Silvia be not seen?
What joy is joy, if Silvia be not by?
Unless it be to think that she is by
And feed upon the shadow of perfection
...

- William Shakespeare (Two Gentlemen of Verona, Act 3. Scene I)
--
I came by this painting of Silvia by Charles Edward Perugini some time after I posted this piece, I'm appending it here. It is quite nice, I particularly like the dress!

D5: All Things Digital

2007-06-02T17:11:00.000+02:00

The 5th Wall Street Journal’s D: All Things Digital executive conference has just come to an end, with some interesting exhibitions and interviews. The climax I guess was the interview with Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. It has some interesting insight on where the industry is heading, and some good advice on how to move foward and not get stuck in your past!

Steve Jobs: There’s a lot of things that happened that I’m sure I could have done better when I was at a Apple the first time and a lot of things that happened after I left that I thought were wrong turns, but it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter and you kind of got to let go of that stuff and we are where we are. So we tend to look forward.
And, you know, one of the things I did when I got back to Apple 10 years ago was I gave the museum to Stanford and all the papers and all the old machines and kind of cleared out the cobwebs and said, let’s stop looking backwards here. It’s all about what happens tomorrow. Because you can’t look back and say, well, gosh, you know, I wish I hadn’t have gotten fired, I wish I was there, I wish this, I wish that. It doesn’t matter. And so let’s go invent tomorrow rather than worrying about what happened yesterday.

You can read the transcript or watch the video.

Alles ist Spiel! (Everything is game!)

2007-05-31T23:18:00.000+02:00

UNTERHALTUNGSMATHEMATIK IN HISTORISCHER PERSPEKTIVE (Obviously, auf Deutsch)

It doesn't matter...

2007-05-29T00:35:00.000+02:00

It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
It doesn't matter if I bleed
You've been on a road
Don't know where it goes or where it leads

It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
If you've made up your mind to go
I won't beg you to stay
You've been in a cage
Throw you to the wind you fly away

It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Doesn't matter if I bleed
Feel the sting of tears
Falling on this face you've loved for years

-- It doesn't matter by Alison Krauss

2007-05-28T08:04:00.000+02:00

It sometimes hurts, being a girl...